Saying Good-bye to Your Child and Hello to Your Teenager — Living through your child’s transition to the teenage years.

Whether it happens precisely on your child’s 13th birthday or months before or after that event, things will change as your child becomes a teenager. Some children go from being extroverted and carefree, sharing every detail of their lives, to surly, strangely dressed beings that acknowledge family members only to ask for food or money on the way to their room. Children who lived for family activities become adolescents who shun any suggestion of spending time together. Formerly quiet homebodies begin to spend endless hours on social media with friends but refuse to appear in public with parents, step-parents or siblings.

Family members often feel confused and shut out of their children’s lives, just at the moment they feel their guidance is more necessary than ever. “How will my child negotiate the trials of middle or high school without my help?” “Are they being bullied?” “How do I know if they are failing classes, taking drugs, being bullied or having sex if I can’t get them to say more than a couple of words a day?” There seem to be endless scenarios to worry about. 

Living with a newly hatched teenager is different for each family. There is no “normal.” In the same vein, what works for one child or one family may not work for others. Here are a few strategies families can employ to make the challenging process of raising a child to be an adult less painful. They center around communication, boundaries and negotiation. 

Communication
The relationship you have already developed with your child will be the basis for the relationship you have with them as a teenager. A teenager may be more sensitive about sharing information about their life, whether it be school issues or social situations. That is normal and, as a parent, you may want to probe carefully to discover the new boundaries that may have emerged. If queries about school are answered with “everything is fine,” you may need to trust that is the truth, unless you hear from a teacher, administrator or coach that there is a problem.

Teenagers may feel like they are being interrogated when confronted with all the questions parents want to ask. Casual, spontaneous chats may be less intrusive and the best way to initiate conversation and create stronger bonds with your teenager. Concentrate on a few things that are interesting to them, such as music, sports, politics, video games or a favorite class or school activity. Signaling to your teen that you are open to talking about a wide range of topics can open up a deeper level of communication between the two of you. Transparency about your experiences in life, positive and negative, creates a safe and accepting environment for them to share their own concerns.

Finally, try not to yell at your teenager if you are angry, as tempting as it may be. A 2014 study in the Journal of Child Development found that homes with regular shouting incidents can lead to lower self-esteem and higher rates of depression for the children or adolescents living there. Assisting the maturation process in an adolescent means approaching conflict in a way that models adult skills of problem solving and respectful discussion. If your anger needs an outlet, debrief with your partner or spouse, a good friend, a therapist or spiritual advisor. You can also decompress with a pleasurable or relaxing activity, such as exercise, reading, hobbies or meditation. Though they may try hard to conceal it, your teenager is watching and learning from you. Try your best to model the behavior you expect from them.

Boundaries
Friends can be a sticky subject of conversation. Teenagers’ social lives are sometimes dramatic and chaotic and not always shared with parents. Allow your teenager to have privacy regarding social situations. Spending more time in their room on social media, playing video games, reading or doing more schoolwork than they did as children is common and are reasonable ways of gaining independence from the family. Be gentle with inquiries but alert for signs of real issues. Pervasive sadness, appetite changes, sleeping issues and unusual or prolonged periods of isolation might be problematic, as is excessive anxiety about academics, and/or a lack of interest in completing school work or participating in activities they once enjoyed. A reluctance or refusal to attend school is significant and troubling changes in social activities are also fair game for questions, as is evidence that substance abuse might be occurring. 

Negotiation
Balancing your teen’s need for empowerment and freedom with your expectations of family participation is difficult. Parents, step-parents and guardians need to understand and accommodate their teenager’s need for independence, while teenagers have a responsibility to participate as a family member. Different strategies work for different families. The key is a combination of discussion and negotiation. Expectations for both sides should be expressed and discussed, with consensus as the goal. Perhaps your teenager wants to spend less time with younger siblings or grandparents to accommodate studying needs or social events and you are not happy about that. Many families negotiate a set number of family events that the teenager agrees to attend. Curfews can be discussed and determined, depending on the event. Family dinners can be made a priority, if that is a good time to have family members catch up with each other. Special events between parents and teens should be regularly scheduled along with activities that include all family members, if possible. Negotiation need not be difficult, but, with practice, a familiar and friendly way to respect your teen’s independence while requesting their continued interaction with the family.

It is challenging to let go of our children so that they can become adults. The relationship you nurtured for over a decade with your little one is undergoing transformation and a sense of loss or grief may surface. Enabling your teenager to begin exploring who they are, separate from their family, will inspire confidence and promote healthy adult functioning. They will experience and learn from failure as well as success. Throughout the process, your relationship with them can deepen in a new and fulfilling way, encompassing mutual respect, trust and love that will endure for the rest of your lives.